Elegy of Vincent's Friggin' Huge Gun
by Dyng Rose
Summary: Rosso is a powerful opponent, Vincent doesn't know if he can survive the fight. But wait! There might just be one hope left in the form of a small shop, er, jukebox?
1. Jukrbox, Part 1

Disclaimer: Dirge of Cerberus, or any of the characters in it, do not belong to me, nor does the idea of using a jukebox for a shop.

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Jukebox

Vincent stalked slowly toward Rosso, offering his best death glare in response to her arrogant smirk.

"Ah, still alive, I see? And you call yourself human," she taunted through the dramatically whooshy camera angles.

"More human than you," Vincent spat back, getting slightly dizzy from all the spinning.

"More human than I?" Rosso threw her head back and laughed her most menacing evil cackled. "Tell me something I don't already know, darling. I'm a Tsviet; I traded away my human weaknesses for power long ago. It is the path I've chosen, and the path I'll tread, till I've sucked all life from this pitiful world! And I'm not going to let you get in the way." Seemingly following the camera angles, she began to circle him. "You've lived long enough, Vincent Valentine, and I'll make sure you don't come back this time by slicing you into pieces!" She raised her double-bladed gun thing and the fight began.

Vincent dodged her bullets by flipping into the air and somersaulting all of three feet away from his initial spot. Raising Cerberus, he fired several rounds before needing to dash behind a pillar to avoid being killed. Vincent cursed as he examined his shoulder, which now had a bullet lodged deep into it.

Reloading, he jumped out and began to shoot again. Rosso dodged nearly every shot he fired at her, moving faster than he had anticipated, and then began to shoot at him again. Several more bullets entered into Vincent's body. He fell to the floor, gasping curses and insults at the Tsviet, and then again when he realized he had run out of potions before entering the fight.

It was then that he saw it, the beacon of hope in an otherwise hopelessly difficult battle. The jukebox! The jukebox held potions and high-potions! With the wonderful supply he just might survive this fight. Now all he needed to do was get there.

He looked up just in time to roll out of the way of Rosso's blades he hadn't seen her throw at him. Vincent jumped to his feet and made a mad dash toward the Goddess-sent musical device.

"Wait!" he shouted at Rosso as she prepared another assault on him. She froze instantly and lowered her weapon as Vincent began to press a few buttons on the Jukebox.

"What do you think you're-" she began, but was cut off when a short tune floated through the air.

_Duh duh duh duh DUN DUN duh da da_

The small shop produced a high-potion like a vending machine. Vincent drank it down before entering the combination again.

_Duh duh duh duh DUN DUN duh da da_

Rosso came to stand next to him while examining the shop.

"Why _is_ it a jukebox, anyway?" she asked.

"To be honest, I have no idea," Vincent answered while sipping his second high-potion. While the Tsviet was still examining the jukebox, Vincent raised Cerberus again and opened fire, releasing a total of 12 bullets into her back.

Now it was Rosso's turn to fall to the floor. "You cowardly bastard…" were her last words before she faded away.

"Hmph, bitch." And with a dramatic whirl of his cloak, Vincent was gone, onto the next stage of his very own, very difficult game.

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A/N: Why is the shop a jukebox? Does anyone know?

This was Part 1 of the short parodies conjured between me, my sister, and my friend after I spent 20-some frustrating hours playing Dirge of Cerberus. I managed to not throw it out the window! Go me! Anyway, there is a part 2, 3, and, thanks to my sister, a part 4 which will be posted as part 2. So let me know what you thought, and if you liked it, stay tuned!


	2. Jukebox, Part 2

Disclaimer: Not mine. If it were, Vincent's cape would be a lot shorter. Really, such a waste of so many good ass-shots and his cloak gets in the way -sighs-

Jukebox Pt. 2

Vincent stumbled into the nearly vacant bar on the outskirts of Edge. Anyone who knew him somewhat well would only need one glance at him to know why he chose this bar instead of Tifa's.

The ex-Turk was limping heavily, bleeding in several places, with bad burns covering several square inches all over his body, and his precious red cloak ripped to shreds. He would never allow any of AVALANCHE to see him like that.

He was done. He was near dead for being so, but he was finally done: With the exception of Shelke, all the Tsviets were dead, Omega was defeated, and the world was saved once again. However, this left Vincent himself very close to joining his aggravating enemy. He had used every last one of his potions, limit breaks, and phoenix downs during the battles and was now without any form of healing himself.

Vincent looked around the room before finally spotting what he wanted: the jukebox in the corner. Knocking over a few chairs and tables in the process, he made a dash for the blessed music player.

He inserted his gil, pressed the required buttons, sat through the Chocobo Theme Song, but no potion came out. He tried again, this time getting One Winged Angel, but still no potion.

Well, fuck. This is an actual jukebox, not a shop. Great. Now he's going to die of blood loss because the stupid designers of his stupid, incredibly hard game couldn't get it into their heads that Vincent just might need more than 4 potions at a time. Fucking bastards.

In a very out of character moment of anger, Vincent kicked the jukebox, knocking himself off balance. With his vision getting fuzzy, he swallowed his pride and called Cloud on his PHS and told him to get over there as fast as he could before he finally passed out.

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A/N: You can blame my sister for this. Her prompt was something like, "Write one where he needs a potion and finds a jukebox but it's a real jukebox."


End file.
